My Story

Get ready for a book . . .   But what I am about to write is important to me. Thank you so much for keeping up with this blog and being interested in what I have to say!  It means a lot.

Here is the story about why I came to be a part of YWAM in Juarez, Mexico.  I'd like to share it with you.  It has little to do with Mexico and less to do with YWAM, but is actually about my personal journey with God, and how he awakened me to new depths in Him.  Thanks again for taking the time to listen!

 

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I am a pretty average person, with hopes, dreams, desires.  You know. The kinds of things most people have.  And before coming here, I would say that I was living a pretty average life - job, friends, and church involvement filled it.  There were things I wanted to change, sure, but for the most part, I was satisfied.

Then one evening this past May (2008), I arrived home to find a note left by my mom on the kitchen counter: "Cynthia: call me as soon as possible when you get this."  My initial reaction was fear - did someone get hurt?  Is everything okay?  I remembered that the same day, my brother and a few of our friends (Rachel, Tre, Reese, and others) had gone up to the mountains for a picnic.  So I called my mom, and she answered.

"They were on their way back, and there was a car accident, Cynthia, and they think that Rachel didn't make it."  Didn't make it.  Rachel, who I had just hung out with several days ago and had led worship with at church on Sunday?  Could you say that again, please?  But the brain only needs milliseconds to process information, and a few more milliseconds for it to get to the heart.  So, one second later, while my mom was saying, "I'm at the hospital," my heart was already pounding inside of me.

What do I do?  Where do I go?  I couldn't just stay alone at home.  I decided I'd go to my pastor's house; at least we can pray together, I thought.  But on the way, I checked the messages on my cell phone.  One from my mom.  It was true - Rachel hadn't made it.

God has typically been a part of my life.  Sometimes I've felt closer to him than others; sometimes I've desired to know him, while other times, I've preferred to disregard his opinion on things.  However, I've always known him to be there, faithfully, and to guide me when I'd let him.  And I still know this to be true.

I believe that we were created for meaning.  To live not in mediocrity, but with a deep sense of aliveness that comes from the fact that meaning exists.  When I think about the capability for depth that lies within the human soul, I become angry at the thought of living in anything less than its fullest capacities.  No.  We were meant for, and are capable of more.

In the months following Rachel's death, I felt God talk to me about my life. I began to see things from a different perspective.  You're putting your hope in the wrong things, he said.  You're not fully using the gifts I've given you to bless others.  And the overarching theme was a message that I heard, loud and clear: You're not living deeply.  I felt a need to connect with God, and as I did so, I started to see truth in my life unlike any other time I've seen it.

What had I been doing wrong, specifically?  Personally?  Everything seemed to be fine.  But now, on the other side what had happened, I saw that it wasn't.  What I would like to do now is talk about the specific things I learned, and afterwards follow them up with a few short observations about the beauty of Rachel's life.

You're putting your hope in the wrong things.  See, things only have meaning if they are true.  If we were created for deepness, there must also be truth on which to live out that deepness, because only the most valuable things deserve our sold-out energies, focus, and passions.  I will not live sold-out for a lie.  And I will only live sold-out for the absolutely most valuable thing in existence.  Which is God.

Beforehand, my hope was in personal dreams of getting married someday, of attending graduate school, of having a great church ministry, of eventually having my own family. Wonderful things, but not to count on. Why?  Because they cannot promise life.  My first observation about Rachel: she counted on knowing God through Jesus Christ, even though she would have been an amazing wife to somebody, a strong leader in church ministry, a tender mother.   

You're not fully using the gifts I've given you to bless others.  If I was meant to live deeply, and that deepness can only come from the source of all life, then the source of all life must be my motivation for living. Otherwise deepness will not occur.  I apply it to my life like this: I can get up in front of a church congregation and sing beautifully, but if the act is not done for God, it is void of depth and meaning.  Sure, it's still good.  It may still bless others.  But the essence of the act is not founded on what is most valuable, and therefore the act cannot be full of life.  Is my heart engaged and connected with God himself?  Remember, meaning must be based on the truth of what is actually most valuable.

Though I sang many times in front of my church congregation, my heart was selfish.  I typically resented the fact that the music didn't gratify my own tastes; I thought that such elementary music was below me.  The sad result: my musical gift was not used to its fullest life-potential; the Source of all life was not in it.  Now, my second observation about Rachel: as our church's music minister, she made music with abandon.  Her worship was for God, and its meaning-filled essence blessed a lot of people.

You're not living deeply.  I must now warn you that I have more to say, though I will do my best to stay concise.

Something happens to the soul when it is set free - suddenly, the deepness that it was capable of but had not yet experienced becomes known.  Its freedom comes from an awareness that there is a reason to be alive. Really alive.  There is really something worthy of the total soul; something deserving of everything it has to give.  A freed soul can no longer live in shallowness, because it has understood that a foundation exists for its living, an unchanging foundation that allows it to live without reserve.  So. An awareness of meaning leads to depth.  

And the only way to be set free is through Jesus Christ, who on the cross, made a way for our souls to have real life. 

Personally, and this is a bit challenging for me to bring up - my main error by which I lived shallowly was in the area of relationships.  Not just the ones closest to me, but all across the board: friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances.  I am sad to admit that I chose the path of self-protection rather than giving.  I was afraid of being known, so I didn't share myself authentically with people; instead of engaging, I disengaged, and ended up missing out a lot of life and potential blessings.  This error prevented my soul from experiencing depth.

If it were not for Rachel's living and passing, I don't think that I'd have learned what needed to be learned in this area of my life.  On that note, I want to make one final observation about Rachel's beauty: she was not afraid of letting people in.  Her relating was based not on fear, but on the security of her freedom through Jesus Christ.  As a result, her relationships with others were full and deep.

In order for a soul to live in its fullest potential of deepness, it must be set free.  The potential is there.  Who can deny it?  But the potential was given by God and can only be fully realized by God.  

So, as I began to think about the life I was living, I saw that there really was a problem, and it had to do with my lack of connection to meaning. What is worthy of my entire self?  To what can I devote my living in such a way that I experience the depth I was created for?  We are not beings of half-hearted and mediocre living. We were meant for more, and the more can only come from its source, plain and simple.  What had I been doing? I had been allowing myself to be satisfied without the more.  Without depth.

At present, I want my living to be based in this truth: that nothing is more valuable than God. He is a foundation, he frees my soul, he is worthy of everything I've got within me.  In a beautiful way, through the tragedy of loss and the mercy of God's interest in my spiritual growth, my Life-source has become my pathway to life - as I connect with Him, I find that meaning was there all along - my soul just needed to be reminded!