My Story

Get ready for a book . . .   But what I am about to write is important to me. Thank you so much for keeping up with this blog and being interested in what I have to say!  It means a lot.

Here is the story about why I came to be a part of YWAM in Juarez, Mexico.  I'd like to share it with you.  It has little to do with Mexico and less to do with YWAM, but is actually about my personal journey with God, and how he awakened me to new depths in Him.  Thanks again for taking the time to listen!

 

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I am a pretty average person, with hopes, dreams, desires.  You know. The kinds of things most people have.  And before coming here, I would say that I was living a pretty average life - job, friends, and church involvement filled it.  There were things I wanted to change, sure, but for the most part, I was satisfied.

Then one evening this past May (2008), I arrived home to find a note left by my mom on the kitchen counter: "Cynthia: call me as soon as possible when you get this."  My initial reaction was fear - did someone get hurt?  Is everything okay?  I remembered that the same day, my brother and a few of our friends (Rachel, Tre, Reese, and others) had gone up to the mountains for a picnic.  So I called my mom, and she answered.

"They were on their way back, and there was a car accident, Cynthia, and they think that Rachel didn't make it."  Didn't make it.  Rachel, who I had just hung out with several days ago and had led worship with at church on Sunday?  Could you say that again, please?  But the brain only needs milliseconds to process information, and a few more milliseconds for it to get to the heart.  So, one second later, while my mom was saying, "I'm at the hospital," my heart was already pounding inside of me.

What do I do?  Where do I go?  I couldn't just stay alone at home.  I decided I'd go to my pastor's house; at least we can pray together, I thought.  But on the way, I checked the messages on my cell phone.  One from my mom.  It was true - Rachel hadn't made it.

God has typically been a part of my life.  Sometimes I've felt closer to him than others; sometimes I've desired to know him, while other times, I've preferred to disregard his opinion on things.  However, I've always known him to be there, faithfully, and to guide me when I'd let him.  And I still know this to be true.

I believe that we were created for meaning.  To live not in mediocrity, but with a deep sense of aliveness that comes from the fact that meaning exists.  When I think about the capability for depth that lies within the human soul, I become angry at the thought of living in anything less than its fullest capacities.  No.  We were meant for, and are capable of more.

In the months following Rachel's death, I felt God talk to me about my life. I began to see things from a different perspective.  You're putting your hope in the wrong things, he said.  You're not fully using the gifts I've given you to bless others.  And the overarching theme was a message that I heard, loud and clear: You're not living deeply.  I felt a need to connect with God, and as I did so, I started to see truth in my life unlike any other time I've seen it.

What had I been doing wrong, specifically?  Personally?  Everything seemed to be fine.  But now, on the other side what had happened, I saw that it wasn't.  What I would like to do now is talk about the specific things I learned, and afterwards follow them up with a few short observations about the beauty of Rachel's life.

You're putting your hope in the wrong things.  See, things only have meaning if they are true.  If we were created for deepness, there must also be truth on which to live out that deepness, because only the most valuable things deserve our sold-out energies, focus, and passions.  I will not live sold-out for a lie.  And I will only live sold-out for the absolutely most valuable thing in existence.  Which is God.

Beforehand, my hope was in personal dreams of getting married someday, of attending graduate school, of having a great church ministry, of eventually having my own family. Wonderful things, but not to count on. Why?  Because they cannot promise life.  My first observation about Rachel: she counted on knowing God through Jesus Christ, even though she would have been an amazing wife to somebody, a strong leader in church ministry, a tender mother.   

You're not fully using the gifts I've given you to bless others.  If I was meant to live deeply, and that deepness can only come from the source of all life, then the source of all life must be my motivation for living. Otherwise deepness will not occur.  I apply it to my life like this: I can get up in front of a church congregation and sing beautifully, but if the act is not done for God, it is void of depth and meaning.  Sure, it's still good.  It may still bless others.  But the essence of the act is not founded on what is most valuable, and therefore the act cannot be full of life.  Is my heart engaged and connected with God himself?  Remember, meaning must be based on the truth of what is actually most valuable.

Though I sang many times in front of my church congregation, my heart was selfish.  I typically resented the fact that the music didn't gratify my own tastes; I thought that such elementary music was below me.  The sad result: my musical gift was not used to its fullest life-potential; the Source of all life was not in it.  Now, my second observation about Rachel: as our church's music minister, she made music with abandon.  Her worship was for God, and its meaning-filled essence blessed a lot of people.

You're not living deeply.  I must now warn you that I have more to say, though I will do my best to stay concise.

Something happens to the soul when it is set free - suddenly, the deepness that it was capable of but had not yet experienced becomes known.  Its freedom comes from an awareness that there is a reason to be alive. Really alive.  There is really something worthy of the total soul; something deserving of everything it has to give.  A freed soul can no longer live in shallowness, because it has understood that a foundation exists for its living, an unchanging foundation that allows it to live without reserve.  So. An awareness of meaning leads to depth.  

And the only way to be set free is through Jesus Christ, who on the cross, made a way for our souls to have real life. 

Personally, and this is a bit challenging for me to bring up - my main error by which I lived shallowly was in the area of relationships.  Not just the ones closest to me, but all across the board: friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances.  I am sad to admit that I chose the path of self-protection rather than giving.  I was afraid of being known, so I didn't share myself authentically with people; instead of engaging, I disengaged, and ended up missing out a lot of life and potential blessings.  This error prevented my soul from experiencing depth.

If it were not for Rachel's living and passing, I don't think that I'd have learned what needed to be learned in this area of my life.  On that note, I want to make one final observation about Rachel's beauty: she was not afraid of letting people in.  Her relating was based not on fear, but on the security of her freedom through Jesus Christ.  As a result, her relationships with others were full and deep.

In order for a soul to live in its fullest potential of deepness, it must be set free.  The potential is there.  Who can deny it?  But the potential was given by God and can only be fully realized by God.  

So, as I began to think about the life I was living, I saw that there really was a problem, and it had to do with my lack of connection to meaning. What is worthy of my entire self?  To what can I devote my living in such a way that I experience the depth I was created for?  We are not beings of half-hearted and mediocre living. We were meant for more, and the more can only come from its source, plain and simple.  What had I been doing? I had been allowing myself to be satisfied without the more.  Without depth.

At present, I want my living to be based in this truth: that nothing is more valuable than God. He is a foundation, he frees my soul, he is worthy of everything I've got within me.  In a beautiful way, through the tragedy of loss and the mercy of God's interest in my spiritual growth, my Life-source has become my pathway to life - as I connect with Him, I find that meaning was there all along - my soul just needed to be reminded!

More Pictures....

Here are a few I thought you would enjoy.

With a few friends.  Not from Mexico...

Random  street.  (More interesting than the other random street picture).

People!  (From the community).

Cool kids (from the community).

Noe, me, and Lucero.  They are the awesome kids of one of our staff members.

Ice cream and movie day at Rancho Los Amigos.  We watched The Incredible Hulk with the kids.

Transformation?

Hello! I hope you have been enjoying your week. What's the most interesting occurrence that's taken place lately? The least interesting?

Well. Eleven weeks and many Mexican dinners later, we are still going strong here in Juarez.

We have two weeks left of classes before leaving for our six-week outreach to Southeast Asia. We are very excited about visiting a different country! As far as the type of work we will be doing, it will range from manual labor (still not sure on specifics) to music and drama performances, to simply getting to know people and making friends.

Today our visiting teacher showed us some slides of pictures from around the world and talked to us about some of the various problems and needs in different countries. It was the kind of stuff that can really break your heart. After the presentation, I felt so ignorant (in a humbling and disappointed sort of way) as I realized that there is so much that I should but don't know about the world. Yeah, National Geographic and other sources cover some of these things, but the magnitude of hurt that many face not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally, just blows me away. I really had no idea, and I say that with a subdued attitude. Today, I was humbled.

Sometimes I think about my challenges to others to think outside the box, and then I am hit with the realization that I myself have not allowed my mind to get outside of its box, but rather have been hindered by pride and fixed presumptions that aren't easily bent. My passion is for truth, and I find that I stop truth from flowing because I think that I already have things figured out. I want to be transformed by truth, living and walking in it; why, then, do I so resist transformation when truth becomes clear? Why do I cling to my old boxes?

Pretty much, it's because I don't want to be humbled. I don't want to admit that I'm wrong and need to change the way I think.

God is light, and there is no darkness in him. Sometimes he tries to teach me things, but I prefer not to listen. Sometimes he wants to increase the foundation under my feet, but I like the little rock that I'm used to standing on. I don't want to see deeper things because it means that my world could get shaken up.

But I am realizing that my desire for light must be stronger than my fear of being shaken, and my pursuit for truth more passionate than my resistance to admitting I'm wrong. It can't work any other way.

Psalm 199:105 says, "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." And in Spanish it says, "Lámpara es a mis pies tu palabra, y lumbrera a mi camino." (Which means the exact same thing. Just thought you might like to see it). When I picture this, my first initial idea is of me, carrying one of those little old-fashioned candle holders, with a candle in it to light my way down a dark path. But you know what? If this is my image of God, then I think very little of him. What kind of image would be closer to the truth? How about a light that blinds me, incapacitates me, frightens me, and humbles me in such a profound way that my only response can be to fall on my knees in honor and surrender my mind to the truth of who he is? I think that here, in such a place, real transformation can occur.

Above: - me and Joy, a visitor from South Korea

- us and some friends walking down the street

- kids from Rancho Los Amigos hanging out in front of the chapel after school

The Fear of the Lord

Yesterday my team went to downtown Juarez and hung out in the plaza. Do you ever find yourself in a situation that makes you feel really small? It can happen in many different ways, to be sure. And it usually is a good thing . . .

Have you ever been stunned by how the world is bigger than you thought it was, or how the scope of people in it is vaster than you'd ever imagined?

Yeah, these are sentimentally-charged questions. But nonetheless, I felt these things yesterday. I felt small. Not insignificant, but just little, as though my mind was incapable of grasping everything it wanted to understand.

Being in a different culture can really open one's eyes to the variety that exists, and has existed throughout history, in the way people view their world. I suppose I should say the world, since there has only been one world, and he who thinks that the world revolves around himself is in for a surprise.

So. There are many, many people in the world, and each has a worldview that corresponds with culture, family background, place in history, personal experiences, as well as personal identity. That's a lot of variety. A lot to examine and understand. And this variety can make us feel small.

And now you might think I'm going to tell you that we should examine and understand our differences. But I'm not.

Sometimes our minds stay at a surface-level understanding of things because we stay within our own worldviews (unconsciously done). We take for granted the way we look at the world because it comes naturally to us, and on that level, it's actually easier to perceive our differences than our similarities. We know who we are and how we think, and comparing this with others comes naturally. At the surface-level of things, our differences are quite obvious.

What I am saying is that I think people have infinitely more commonalities than differences. And this, due to our surface-level thinking, is what we have not fully understood. A proper worldview involves the truth of a bigger picture. It's deeper than what we see on the surface. And it makes me feel even smaller.

Now, sometimes when I write I get myself into a pickle trying to understand things that I don't have all the answers for. Which I'm sure nobody has ever done before.

Right now I'd like to be able to say, "And here is a list of all our commonalities!" I can't give a list. But what I can offer is this:

Proverbs 1:7

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge."

Or, as some translations of the Bible put it,

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom."

And as I always encourage: let these words be not just an enigma, not just a time-old truth, not just a concept to behold. Concepts must be wrestled with, truth must be craved, and understanding must be built on apprehension, not assumption. Only then can truth actually begin to transform one's living.

Medical Outreach and More

Today was the third day of our Medical Outreach, and in the place where we went, there were lots of kids.  Above are a few pictures! 

Several groups of people have come here to be a part of it: one from New Jersey, one from Pennsylvania, and one from British Columbia, Canada.  Also, a number of our own staff members are involved.

Each day we set up in a different part of the city, and community members come through the free heath clinic in stations: Registration, Height and Weight, Vital Signs, Medical History, Doctor, Pharmacy.  And guess what?  I get to work in the final station: prayer!  After their checkups, all visitors have the option of receiving prayer for any personal needs they might have.  And since I can communicate in Spanish, I've been able to pray with people for specific things.

It's so cool to see the people respond positively to the prayer with appreciation.  Of course, not everybody who comes through the prayer station is as excited about it as we are, but nevertheless, our intention is to bless them in whatever way we can.

Each morning this week I've also been helping with worship for our pre-outreach team meetings.  We have a small worship band, and I get to play the keyboard and sing.  

Lately one of my desires has been to involve my heart and my mind more whenever I'm participating in worship.  I want to actually mean the words I'm singing, every one, rather than just focus on the music.  This is a challenge in the sense that as a musician, my mind wants to focus on the musical results of what I'm doing - you know, so everything comes out sounding clear and beautiful.  And in reality, I believe that this is not wrong; it's a good thing if done in the right spirit, for God.  But my desire of late has been to go beyond that, making each song a prayer in itself to God, so that each word I sing comes out of a deep, literal search to know God better.  And when I do it, I expect results.  I've learned that God always reveals himself when I search for him earnestly. 

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I hope that you have, thus far, enjoyed reading this blog.  I hope it brings encouragement in some form or another.  

If you've read previous posts, then you know that my outreach team is planning to embark soon to Southeast Asia, on November 3rd.  We will be doing Christian ministry, including humanitarian work, helping with various community projects, and reaching out in whatever ways we can.  At present, I do not have more details to offer since we haven't been give more specifics.

But the bottom line is this: if you would like to be a part of helping my outreach team of eleven people get to Southeast Asia and live there for six weeks, there is way to do it.  Just check out the information below.

Thanks for being interested in all of these occurences, in what God has been teaching me personally, and in the things I've been able to be a part of since living here in Juarez, Mexico.  It means a lot to me!  As allows, I will continue to post.

If you are interested in what I am doing here in Juarez and would like to send a gift for our team to get to Southeast Asia, here is all the information needed:

Every check is tax deductible and should be made out to YWAM (Youth With A Mission).

Please do not write my name anywhere on the check.  Send them, along with a request for a receipt, to: 

                                 YWAM El Paso-Juarez

                                 Cynthia Alvarez - DTS

                                 4444 Edgar Park Ave.

                                 El Paso, TX 79904

Prayer

I've been meaning to put up a few more interesting pictures (somehow, I think "random street" doesn't quite cut it), but we've been so busy that oftentimes I just forget to take any. So here are a few more, depicting some recent days. I will do my best to get better at this, because we really have been up to a lot! As I mentioned in my previous post, this week is officially called "Medical Outreach Week." Read about it if you're interested.

Well now. On to deeper and more thoughtful things! Today I will write about the topic of prayer.

Last week in class we looked at: different motivations for praying, what prayer is, why we would want to pray. And as I sort out my thoughts about all of it, I find I don't know where to begin. Yes, I could just spit out everything we covered in class, but a little bit about me: I oppose surface-level explanations of things. And prayer is a topic that resonates deeply within me, because typically, prayer has been a big part of my life. So, I suppose I will begin with what I know.

Prayer is, by dictionary definition, "an address (as a petition) to God or a god in word or thought." (Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary). But since I know that the God whom I serve is not only real but personal, prayer, for me, means talking to and interacting with God - the only God, who created the great expanses of the universe, and also created me. It occurs in a personal way, similar to the way I might interact with a friend.

Now, when I think about the nature of friend-with-friend interaction, some words that describe it are: informal, personal, light-hearted but also deep, transparent, and honest. In a friendship, there is mutual caring and understanding between the two parties, and this bond cannot endure unless it stands upon a strong foundation of trust - which includes a strong commitment on both sides to walking in integrity.

But there is another side to prayer which marks it as a different kind of relationship than the kind that exists between two friends, and even between two lovers. And that difference lies in the parties involved. When I pray, I am no longer dealing in the human-with-human realm, but have entered into a different equation in which I come face-to-face with the greatness and beyond-pure holiness of the only Most High God. I now have a personal inner response to contend with, which will either be appropriate, affirming the truth of who he is, or inappropriate, disregarding the reality of his nature.

If I choose the former, then my praying is based in truth, and can be considered consequential. If the latter, then it has no base whatsoever from which anything can procure. So, when I pray, I am either genuinely connecting with the Most High God, or not connecting with him at all.

So up to this point, we have seen prayer in light of the depths of friendship, but also the undeniable truths about who God is. Now I will arrive at a summation of all this, and that arrival is found in the person of Jesus Christ, son of the Most High God. Why does he matter when it comes to prayer? Because without his death and resurrection, I would not be able to even enter the presence of God. See, though I desire friendship with God and he is capable of giving it in return, I remain at odds with him because of the very fact that he is God, not human.

And Jesus Christ? The answer to my dilemma: God-on-earth, made human, so that I, as a human, might connect with the Most High God; first by accepting his undeserved death in my place, then by allowing his resurrection to bring me life.

Basically, once I get life through Jesus, I can come into God's presence. Why? Because now I am relating with God on a basis of truth. I have responded to him appropriately, affirming the truth of his nature by affirming what he's done for me through Jesus Christ. Now, when I pray, I am in fact genuinely connecting with the Most High God.

Above: 1. Early morning, loading mattresses for a weekend outreach trip to El Paso, TX.

2. At this month's Community Night, we all check out the newly-built home for the Lehman family, who just moved here from Pennsylvania to join our staff.

3. Ty Thurman, my team leader, is about to give us our morning announcements.

4. Lunchtime!

Medical Outreach

Above: Random street.

So. Medical outreach. Our YWAM base here in Juarez does it every year to help the community in a real and practical way, and next week, my team gets to be a part of it! Professional doctors and medics from the U.S. have been invited, and other lay-people will come as well to help with logistics and coordinating. Health stations will be set up around the city where the public can come to receive free health care. In the process, they get free vaccines, medicine for common health ailments (which many of them cannot afford), vitamins, and products especially for women. They can also get answers to any health questions they might have.

We're looking forward to being a part of it and blessing our community through it. Our base undertakes this big event twice a year, and as far as my team goes, our role will be to step in wherever we are needed.

I hope this gives you an idea for the kind of hands-on experience that I am receiving here. In other words, I am not just studying and attending class, but am also participating in outreach events that involve meeting actual needs in a practical way. And it's a great combination, because we get to stretch our minds, but also be active in applying the convictions that first propagated our studies!

Pictures

The girls of our group. Mandy, Jessica, Hayley.

Me and one of my leaders: Lydia.

Practicing a drama for our outreach to Southeast Asia.

Me, Myrna, Lea, and Nidia.

Me and Nidia, another of our leaders.